High school was bullsh$& and so were my early 20’s

If you loved high school and everything about your hometown, then move on, this article is not for you. If you thought high school was Bull!@#$ and felt suffocated in your hometown- then keep reading.

When I was 15 years old, freshman in high school, I overdosed on a entire bottle of baby aspirin. I guess you could say I was trying to kill myself and maybe I was- but really, the baby aspirin? I clearly was just seeking attention. High school was mostly awful  for me. The older girls constantly picked on me and one girl in my own class was SO mean to me, most nights I went home sobbing and it took everything in my mother to not drive right over to this girls house and let her have it. I had a nice boyfriend I guess- but that is just it… that was my problem. I ALWAYS had a boyfriend and most of my “friends” were guys. Girls did not like me- especially the upper class girls.

My dad walked out on me and mom when I was young. I was too much, I guess. He was so very young to be a parent anyway. I don’t blame him. But, when he walked out- this was a man walking out of my life and giving up on me. I was doomed from the start with men.

I didn’t know back then why– why I sought the attention of guys so much. The approval of them- but I did. And it totally screwed with me the majority of my teens and early 20’s. I had a best friend though. A best girlfriend in High School- we will call her Angela. She was a lot like me in ways but was a lot more reserved. We evened each other out nicely. I was a little more outgoing and loud and she was quiet and more shy. We had fun though.

After breaking up with the jock boyfriend my sophomore year I ended up meeting an older guy from another school. I literally thought he was IT. He was- I mean he was the popular, older guy that I had NO IDEA he even knew my name, but he did. We started dating my sophomore summer. Conveniently, his best friend and my best friend started to date as well. IT was great- it was really, really great. But then- it starting happening again… this guy.. I was starting to really like him– and what if he broke up with me… what if he decided he liked someone else….. Well, I had to break up with him first then. So, I did .

My dad was in and out of my life- he would want to be a dad sometimes – but mostly he didn’t. He did however start to get his shit together when he was about 35 ish. He really did start to come around and make a major effort in our relationship. It was nice actually. I was always close to his family and never really lost touch with them but this was so cool because now he was around more.Then boom- –he died. Killed by a train. They say he tripped- I don’t believe it for a minute. For years and years I thought someone killed him– but now that I am older and look back, I wonder….did he lay down?

I had to get out of here- out of this small little town that, I thought at the time, everyone was talking about me and judging me and my crazy ways. I was crazy, I drank a ton smoked a lot and partied every night. My mom constantly got on me to get my life together. All I kept telling her, sorry I am just like my dad I guess. I moved to the big city. Thought it would be good for me to start over- start fresh. My BFF and I had a plan- she was going away for the summer and going to be back just on time to move into our new apartment in Madison by August. She never came back- I never heard from her again. She just up and left and never looked back. Crazy, now my friends- my best friend- is leaving me. WTF– it must be me.

So, I drank my way through some college– met a lot of ass hole guys and a few ok one’s. In my early 20’s started work at a fun salon. I met some GREAT girls there- still talk to most of them. We had a blast– drinking and smoking and talking smart. These were my people- my kind. I loved it. I totally cut everyone off back home and thought this was my life now– I don’t need that old crap in my life anymore. I have it all now– good job, good friends! It was great! Started building up my business- still dated a few jerks here and there but nothing too serious. I started getting a little older, mid-twenties, and a little wiser. Started up my own little business and got really serious in that- I found something I was good at. Finally! I started building up my confidence and just focused on this. My girlfriends were in on it too– these girls. True girlfriends. They knew who I was and what I was and they still wanted to be around me. So, here I was business owner and all. Ready to conquer the world and NO MEN in sight. Sure, a few fun dates here and there but no getting treated like shit anymore for this LADY BOSS! Was finally getting my life together, getting healthy and confident. Life was good and complete in my book. Until, my friend, Taylor, we will call her, tries to set me up on a blind date….. no thanks Tay. I am good right here and now– no guys needed. Whoa! That is the first! and if FELT SO GOOD to say! She bugged me for months on this- so, I finally said yes. I met him at the Great Dane- but I also took three friends with me just in case…poor guy. Kevin and I were married 1 year and 9 months later. And so the story goes…….

A few things……

1.) my child hood was not awful- it was great in fact.. instead of a mom and dad I had a mom, grandma and aunt Kay.

2.) My dad was not a bad man- he was just confused and young.

3.) IF you are a late teen and confused about where you are and having trouble in school PLEASE talk to someone- I wish I had… and find something you are good at- and do that…. drama club, cheering, running, drawing whatever makes you happy- do this and you will build confidence and find friends who like the same stuff you do!!

4.) IF you are in your early 20’s and have no clue what life has to hold for you- STOP — it is ok not to know what life has in store… find out who you are— work your ass off at growing your career and the rest will fall into place.

5.) IF you are in your 30’s — Demand respect– no matter from who– demand that shit, because you deserve it! Remember to put yourself first, because without you, the rest of your life (kids, hubby, job) will not function. YOU FIRST!

6.) IF you are 40 plus— I have no idea what to tell you- but, I cant wait to find out !

I live back in my hometown now…..it’s not so bad. In fact, I like it here. And those faces, those faces that I was always so worried to run into and see and worried about the judgement and the talks behind my back– I like seeing those familiar faces. They were not after me at all- and if they were- that is ok. I am good with me now— and that is something great!

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